paradox

So you want to step up and play the game?

You want to come back? Want to make up? Want to try again?

Well, where were you when things got rough?

Not just from you, but from life, and it was all too much.

The walls closed in further in and again.

I was trapped in my own mind

making me blind

those who were kind

were blurred before my very eyes.

And now you’re back and you’re here.

Let me make this oh so clear, I can’t do it again…no, not again.

I can recognize the cycle.

I can recognize the lies.

I can see the way you make to hypnotize

with your eyes

and the disguise

of a guy who’s gonna be there and who cares,

but after the years & three tries

I’ve realized that you won’t and you don’t.

You’ve created this world from bottom to top,

but no you never stopped to look back

now there’s wall after wall.

You can’t get out ’cause your brain is a maze and you’ve been found out.

Every turn is a step with a lie you made

as an honest remark with a fuckboy gaze.

You wielded your tongue to defend yourself,

Relied on your wit to get yourself out.

But your contradictions

and decisions

and lack of revisions

has led to the collision

of all the things that used to fuel you.

Look at you.

Who are you?

Can’t you see in the mirror I was the one who was beside you?

I stood my ground for you.

Gave my life to you.

Ignored all the phrases people used to say about you.

But I got caught in your maze and you left me behind.

Now I can see you starting to unwind

and you can’t react because in your brain now you’re blocked.

So stop.

 

You are your own paradox.

 

-Ellie X.

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“the chill one”

“The chill one.”That’s what they call me. Everyone has a reputation and mine is being the girl who “doesn’t give a fuck.” People tell me it’s a good thing because I’m the one who they can count on being okay with whatever the plans are because I don’t care. They say they never have to worry about me judging them because I don’t care. They don’t have to worry about drama with me because I don’t care.

However, I think they are wrong. I do care. I care a lot. I think that I care too much sometimes. I have different priorities than others, so they tend not to notice what matters to me. Once I got to college and I started going out, I noticed something. People do not give a crap about other people. Not everyone is like this, but I’m gonna throw out that probably 96.2% of people do not care about the other humans around them. They care about their hair, makeup, Snapchat, boys, girls, pictures, alcohol…ya know the true “important” things. <- sarcasm. But my question is: What about the best friend puking in the bathroom? What about the girl getting harassed by a guy who won’t leave her alone? What about all the people who’s rides couldn’t stay sober and are now stranded because they can’t find a safe ride home? These are the things I see when I go out. These are the things I care about, not someone’s smeared make-up. I usually choose to be designated driver (DD) because I don’t mind it. I do not have to be intoxicated to enjoy myself. If I have people around me and there is music playing, I’m happy. I choose to be DD because if I’m sober I can help the people who need it. To me, it is more important to be there for people when they need it than to drink to the point where I can’t even take care of myself.

A quick example to give you an idea of what I’m talking about: There was an end of the year house party right off campus that my friends and I went to. This was one of the few times I chose to not be DD and I let my other friend (who was DD) drive my car. A guy that came with us ended up getting stupid drunk and smoking weed for the first time and he got very cross faded. He started getting sick, so I called our ride to come back. Also, just for the record, I didn’t really know this guy. We were acquaintances, but really we just had mutual friends. I told my friends that we needed to leave and only 1 out of the 5 who came would leave with me to take him home. They rest said they weren’t ready to quit partying. On the way back, he threw up on the side of my car because he thought it was spinning. His friend and I ended up staying in his room until 4 a.m. If he laid down he would think he was falling and couldn’t go to sleep. He was genuinely terrified. He felt horrible and kept apologizing for everything. Honestly, I forgive him for all that. He doesn’t even remember it! I would want someone to stay with me if I ever got to that point, so I’m fine with taking care of someone like that. Everyone the next day kept going on how it was awesome how I was so “chill” about leaving the party early and so “chill” about cleaning the puke off my car. However, that isn’t the case at all. It was not fun washing throw-up off my car from a guy I barely know for 2 hours. I did not enjoy holding this guy’s head for 4 hours in his room so that he could know he was not falling. I would not consider any of that a good time, but I would do it again in an instant because I believe people should do that for each other. I would want someone to do the same for me. I was chill with his actions because I was more concerned with what was happening to him. He needed help and no one else was going to do it.

My friends are right. I don’t care about a lot of stuff. I don’t care about what people think about me (to an extent), I don’t care about how many likes I get on social media, or how popular the people I surround myself are. But, they’re wrong about me not caring. I just care about things they don’t think about. I care about people. I care about morality. I care about putting other people before myself and making sure they are okay. I care about honesty and loyal friendships. I think the 3 Musketeers had it going on with the whole “all for one and one for all” thing. Why am I such an abnormality because I believe that people should care for each other?

Woodrow Wilson said,

Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.

Selfishness attacks society like a cancer in many different forms.The most dangerous part of it is that it takes place like an avalanche. It begins slowly, like a crack in the ice, through one simple action. The exciting grasp of greed felt through one selfish act is addicting and it appears more and more rapidly until before you realize it, you’ve become consumed with the idea of yourself. I’m guilty of it. I try to keep myself humble and in check, but I slip up. I wont realize how neglecting I can be to my friends and family until I’ve already hurt them.

I think that society has become too selfish for its own good. I may be the chill one, but I do care.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

my love, my all

I cannot describe all emotions locked inside

They are building within threatening to collide

You consume my thoughts by both day and night

with a love so fierce that I’d never fight

 

You are my love, my all, all I hope to be

With your eyes that shine, they set me free

 

But our paths are diverging just like the yellow wood

The walls are reforming where they once stood

I  am scared of the break that will split through my heart

On the day you will say that we must stay apart

My heart to you will never grow cold

But it is wary of love you my find down the road

 

You are my love, my all, all I hope to be

With your eyes that shine, they set me free

I repeat and say, I need you the most

Convincing in order to keep the repose

 

I ignored my head, my heart I chose

To you I drew near, but I got too close

The break is imminent, my heart now knows

For the warmth in you has forever gone cold

 

You were my love, my all, all I hoped to be

Your eyes that shone no longer gleam

I will always love you, that you must know

And it is because I love you, I must let you go

 

My love, My all, You will always be

Every once in a while I hope you think of me

 

-Ellie X.

 

 

 

the way of the first love

It was the tingle sent from your fingertips as they traced my chin,

The heat in my cheeks when you felt my skin.

The hidden smile of knowing tucked in the corner of your mouth.

The passion you ignited that I had tried to cast out.

 

It was the way  you could laugh and make demons fly away,

The conversations we made until the break of day,

The letters we wrote of the feelings that grew,

The way the sensations never left to make sure I knew.

 

It was the way your eyes burned with emotion looking my way.

 

It was almost enough to make me forget

The anger, the lies, and the fights we regret.

The passion turned rage into furious nights

spent debating and wondering when will it end?

 

The feeling of anger and jealousy grew,

until the heart full of love was coated anew

and the love was still there and beating with might

but hidden by shadows of rage dark as night.

 

The way that its over and I still can’t let go.

The way my heart beats with love, but I already know

all the fights and the screams mean I can’t return

to the man who’s very name can make my face burn.

 

The way I’m still holding on to my feelings and pains

of the very first love to course through my veins.

The first passionate, ridiculous, soon to be memory.

The way that first love overtakes and can’t leave you be.

 

Ellie X.