the best friend

This is a thank you note to my best friend, who really deserves a round of applause. So, on behalf of all the best friends out there, here you go.

Thank you for all the times you’ve talked me out of bad decisions. If it wasn’t for you, I would probably be halfway across the country trying to hitchhike my way to a better future. Thank you for giving me advice, even if I may not want to hear it. You are never afraid to call me out and set me straight and I appreciate that. I need to hear that I am wrong sometimes. Thank you for laughing at my jokes even though they suck….no really they’re terrible haha. Thank you. You took the time to understand my humor and fill me in on the Spongebob jokes that I never catch. Thank you for being willing to go on random adventures with me. When I think back on middle school you walked with me hand-in-hand through my horrific edgy phase and embraced it with me without so much as a sideways glance. Even that time that I dyed my hair that horrible purple color, you acted like it was the greatest thing ever. Thank you letting me yell out every word of “Raised By Wolves” by Falling In Reverse in your car more times than I count. I know you hate it, so thanks. Thank you for sharing a deep, unquenchable love for Taco Bell.Thank you for supporting me through every weird phase I go through. You da bomb. Thank you for always being willing to sing with me and talk about starting a band (even though we never do).

Remember that time we accidentally picked up the wrong order at Taco Bell? We acted like we didn’t notice, but then the guy started looking for his meal and we ran out the door….cause that’s logical.

Remember the time we wore the same outfit to band practice for like 3 weeks in a row without even planning it? Yea. We’re so in sync it’s scary.

Or the time I got dumped and we watched 12 straight hours of horror films? You drove to my house at 7 in the morning so that you would beat the snow storm and you got snowed in at my house so that I wouldn’t be alone. I’ll never forget that.

Warning things are about to get sentimental Thank you for being the best friend I could have ever asked for. People who have not had the opportunity to meet you have seriously missed out. I’m grateful that I just so happened to be put next to you in band in 6th grade. For all the times that I have made you feel like you are less important than you are, I am sorry. For any time where you felt like I didn’t care, I am sorry. And for any time that I have not been the best friend you deserve, I am sorry. Even in the times that we drifted apart for a while, I still considered you my best friend. You get me better than anyone ever has.

Here’s to you. You’re goofy and quirky and weird and it’s great. You’re a unique blend of introverted and outgoing. You hate new people, but at the same time you love them. You hate crowds, but you treasure people. You have a fantastic taste in music and literature which I always enjoy mooching off of. I can talk to you about everything from High School Musical to politics and theology. I think your obsession with George Ezra is hilarious. I miss seeing you everyday like we could in high school, but I love that we are just as close even 4 hours apart. I have loved being your best friend, even in our stupid, passive aggressive fights. You have given me the blessing of being your best friend and it’s not something I take lightly. I love you lots and it’s an honor to call you my friend.

I love you buddy and I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

“the chill one”

“The chill one.”That’s what they call me. Everyone has a reputation and mine is being the girl who “doesn’t give a fuck.” People tell me it’s a good thing because I’m the one who they can count on being okay with whatever the plans are because I don’t care. They say they never have to worry about me judging them because I don’t care. They don’t have to worry about drama with me because I don’t care.

However, I think they are wrong. I do care. I care a lot. I think that I care too much sometimes. I have different priorities than others, so they tend not to notice what matters to me. Once I got to college and I started going out, I noticed something. People do not give a crap about other people. Not everyone is like this, but I’m gonna throw out that probably 96.2% of people do not care about the other humans around them. They care about their hair, makeup, Snapchat, boys, girls, pictures, alcohol…ya know the true “important” things. <- sarcasm. But my question is: What about the best friend puking in the bathroom? What about the girl getting harassed by a guy who won’t leave her alone? What about all the people who’s rides couldn’t stay sober and are now stranded because they can’t find a safe ride home? These are the things I see when I go out. These are the things I care about, not someone’s smeared make-up. I usually choose to be designated driver (DD) because I don’t mind it. I do not have to be intoxicated to enjoy myself. If I have people around me and there is music playing, I’m happy. I choose to be DD because if I’m sober I can help the people who need it. To me, it is more important to be there for people when they need it than to drink to the point where I can’t even take care of myself.

A quick example to give you an idea of what I’m talking about: There was an end of the year house party right off campus that my friends and I went to. This was one of the few times I chose to not be DD and I let my other friend (who was DD) drive my car. A guy that came with us ended up getting stupid drunk and smoking weed for the first time and he got very cross faded. He started getting sick, so I called our ride to come back. Also, just for the record, I didn’t really know this guy. We were acquaintances, but really we just had mutual friends. I told my friends that we needed to leave and only 1 out of the 5 who came would leave with me to take him home. They rest said they weren’t ready to quit partying. On the way back, he threw up on the side of my car because he thought it was spinning. His friend and I ended up staying in his room until 4 a.m. If he laid down he would think he was falling and couldn’t go to sleep. He was genuinely terrified. He felt horrible and kept apologizing for everything. Honestly, I forgive him for all that. He doesn’t even remember it! I would want someone to stay with me if I ever got to that point, so I’m fine with taking care of someone like that. Everyone the next day kept going on how it was awesome how I was so “chill” about leaving the party early and so “chill” about cleaning the puke off my car. However, that isn’t the case at all. It was not fun washing throw-up off my car from a guy I barely know for 2 hours. I did not enjoy holding this guy’s head for 4 hours in his room so that he could know he was not falling. I would not consider any of that a good time, but I would do it again in an instant because I believe people should do that for each other. I would want someone to do the same for me. I was chill with his actions because I was more concerned with what was happening to him. He needed help and no one else was going to do it.

My friends are right. I don’t care about a lot of stuff. I don’t care about what people think about me (to an extent), I don’t care about how many likes I get on social media, or how popular the people I surround myself are. But, they’re wrong about me not caring. I just care about things they don’t think about. I care about people. I care about morality. I care about putting other people before myself and making sure they are okay. I care about honesty and loyal friendships. I think the 3 Musketeers had it going on with the whole “all for one and one for all” thing. Why am I such an abnormality because I believe that people should care for each other?

Woodrow Wilson said,

Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.

Selfishness attacks society like a cancer in many different forms.The most dangerous part of it is that it takes place like an avalanche. It begins slowly, like a crack in the ice, through one simple action. The exciting grasp of greed felt through one selfish act is addicting and it appears more and more rapidly until before you realize it, you’ve become consumed with the idea of yourself. I’m guilty of it. I try to keep myself humble and in check, but I slip up. I wont realize how neglecting I can be to my friends and family until I’ve already hurt them.

I think that society has become too selfish for its own good. I may be the chill one, but I do care.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

my love, my all

I cannot describe all emotions locked inside

They are building within threatening to collide

You consume my thoughts by both day and night

with a love so fierce that I’d never fight

 

You are my love, my all, all I hope to be

With your eyes that shine, they set me free

 

But our paths are diverging just like the yellow wood

The walls are reforming where they once stood

I  am scared of the break that will split through my heart

On the day you will say that we must stay apart

My heart to you will never grow cold

But it is wary of love you my find down the road

 

You are my love, my all, all I hope to be

With your eyes that shine, they set me free

I repeat and say, I need you the most

Convincing in order to keep the repose

 

I ignored my head, my heart I chose

To you I drew near, but I got too close

The break is imminent, my heart now knows

For the warmth in you has forever gone cold

 

You were my love, my all, all I hoped to be

Your eyes that shone no longer gleam

I will always love you, that you must know

And it is because I love you, I must let you go

 

My love, My all, You will always be

Every once in a while I hope you think of me

 

-Ellie X.

 

 

 

self-absorbed coffee shop

Every Tuesday and Thursday I have a two hour break in between my morning and afternoon classes. During this time I usually go to the Starbucks in my campus’ library and get a head start on homework (which most of the time just turns into me watching Game of Thrones). It’s amazing what you can learn by people watching. I sit in the back of the shop at a long rectangle table against the wall where the single people doing homework usually sit. We all just congregate and sit alone together and don’t talk because, obviously, we all have important things to do like watch Game of Thrones. All the people who come in in groups sit in the middle of Starbucks where they can interact with each other all they want and not disturb the people at the long table. It’s a great system for people watching, which I love, because I can look out and just watch people interact with each other while not having to interact with anyone myself.

Today I sat down, at my usually quiet table, next to people who didn’t know the system. There were three of them and they were on an ex-boyfriend rant so they were yelling and squealing and using the words like and er my gawd continuously. I’m usually pretty okay with loud people at the quiet table because they didn’t know the system and it’s not their fault. They don’t know! But I hadn’t had time to drink my coffee yet so I wasn’t happy yet and then I started listening to their conversation (not that I had a choice from how loud they were being) and I was appalled. There were two girls and a guy and the girls were telling the guy stories about themselves. The girls had been friends since high school and came to our college together. One of the girls, I don’t know her name so let’s call her Tonya, is a sophomore now and had been dating this guy since she was back in high school. He was a year younger than her and was planning on joining his girlfriend at the same college so that they could be together. Sweet, right? So he graduates high school, gets everything arranged, moves into college. He starts his freshman year and she starts her sophomore year and then TWO DAYS into the school year, she dumps him…I’m sitting here listening to their conversation and I swear my jaw dropped. This girl is sitting here complaining about how her ex makes her uncomfortable because he is mad at her. Well hell if I went to a college just to be with my boyfriend and he dumped he two days into the school year, I’d turn into a furious, raging lunatic. I think he is doing pretty well with only being mad! I could not believe this girl was genuinely complaining about this guy being mad.

Then they moved off the ex-boyfriend topic and started bashing one their friends. Apparently one of their friends who goes to school here too was tired of Tonya complaining all the time and wasn’t really talking to her anymore. Well Tonya was not happy about this and went into full denial, yelling mode saying “LIKEWHATTHEFUCKIDONOT!! IDONOTCOMPLAINABOUTEVERYTHING.” At which point I just thought Yea sure. and I decided I was done listening in to their conversation and directed my attention elsewhere. I looked up and there was a guy rushing towards the counter area where they hand you the coffee. He did not look amused. He smashed his down on the counter and proceeded to accuse of the lady of making his coffee “wrong”. She calmly responded ” I may not have stirred up the coffee enough. Would you like me to make you another?” This barista took responsibility for the bad drink and offered him another one, but he just kept on saying he always gets the same drink and they always make it right and this was ridiculous that it wasn’t correct because he always gets this drink. Insinuating that this barista should have known how to make his drink because he gets it everytime. Well if he was in here often enough to always order this drink he would know that this girl was one of the new employees. Our college has 20,000 students in it and our library (where the starbucks is) is open to anyone who has a card. The line is almost always out the door. How in the world would this new girl be able to differentiate this guys order from the rest of the hundreds of people who come through here everyday? She again offered him a new drink and apologized for the quality of his current one. However, this dude still wasn’t satisfied. He proceeded to go into detail about how it was wrong. How the taste was incorrect and was not sweet like it was supposed to be. She asked if it was too bitter and he pointed at her at yelled “YES TOO BITTER.” For the third time, she calmly said, “Would you like me to make you another drink, sir?” He finally looked satisfied, smiled, and nodded his head as she set off to make him another drink. Go new barista lady. I’m supporting you from afar.

People.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

Random Life Moment #3

Story time. So, today I had to rush out of my room to get to my friend’s car outside. I had my camera bag and I was juggling my keys and when I got out of my hall door into the lobby of my building I got the BIGGEST WEDGIE EVER! I was trying to get it, but I was half running and my hands were full, so really it just looked like I was running and scratching my butt. Then I turned around and standing by the vending machines behind me was one of the most beautiful boys I have ever seen and was staring at me like I was the weirdest person ever haha. Oops. I took off running and ran laughing to my friends car. It was embarrassing.

alcoholism or addiction?

Imagine you’re standing on a thick layer of grass looking out over a serene, greenish-blue lake. Across the water you can vaguely see where children are running around in the yard and jumping off their docks into the water. You look down in front of your feet and see chipping, red paint falling off of an old wooden dock. The wood has stains and rust missing in certain places that suggests it had a time and a place where it was loved and used, but now it sits quietly as memory. Raised in the opening of the dock is a covered pontoon who’s dust shows the same sad fate. Turn around. Your eyes fall upon an a teetering, empty swing set. Behind it, across the yard that now stretches in front of you, is a large two story home with a screened in porch. As you get closer, a thick coat of dust on dirt on the porch can be seen. The only sign of upkeep is the grass that has been poorly mowed. What you can see is an old house that used to be grand, but has fallen down in the lack of upkeep. What you can see is a beautiful, peaceful lake with the sun setting in the background. What you can’t see is the little girl in the downstairs of the lake house waiting for her father to wake up and spend time with her. What you can’t see are the empty pizza boxes that have been left out and accumulating for months. What you can’t hear is the blaring television that has been left on in the upstairs room where the girl’s father has passed out and can no longer hear its noise. What you can’t smell is the scent of aging vodka wafting from the empty bottles the father has pushed under the bed, so that his little girl can’t find them. What you can’t feel is the devastation of the father as he tries to drown the sorrow of the love of his life leaving him because of his mistakes. What you can’t predict are the holes he will punch through the walls in the next couple years when his sorrow turns to rage. What that father can’t predict are the lasting effects his problems will have on his daughter. He can’t predict the resent she will have for him or the walls she will build up against any boy in the future.

10 years later that girl has grown up and she now writes to you. My father unknowingly caused me to grow up with serious issues that I may never be able to completely get over. What started in high school as him drinking and doing “harmless” drugs with friends quickly turned into a reliance on alcohol and prescription pain medication to function. My father made his decisions and I completely hold him responsible. However, I am writing this because everywhere I go activity like this is praised. People think that alcoholism is a joke, but once the word “addiction” is thrown out everything becomes serious. An alcoholic is someone who you want to invite to a party, but an addict is someone to be feared. An alcoholic is not someone who just enjoys getting drunk at parties, or just the person who can drink the most. An alcoholic is an addict who struggles every single day. An alcoholic is someone who can’t go anywhere without a drink. Can’t eat without a drink. Someone who will not get out of bed unless they can go get a drink. Someone who slowly cuts off all socialization with people because all they want to do is drink.

I’m not trying to make people stop drinking. That isn’t the purpose of me writing this. I think that drinking can be really fun and I love having girl’s night downtown on Thirsty Thursday just as much as everyone else. I’m writing this because while I’m downtown or at a party and I see people who aren’t there drinking because they want to, they’re drinking because they have to. It makes me to flash back to memories with my dad. They make me wonder if they will be able to stop the way my dad couldn’t. They make me wonder if they will wreck their marriage they way my father did. Or will they have kids? Will their kids have to visit their dad in rehab? Will their kids need therapy like I did? I was a pity case for all my friends parents. They also never let their children come over while I stayed at my dad’s. Will their children suffer the same fate?

Alcoholism does not just affect the person addicted. It creates a ripple effect for everyone involved. I’ve never been addicted to alcohol, but I have control and trust issues that make it really difficult for me to interact with people sometimes. People can’t always understand how much it affected me to consistently have alcohol and pills chosen over me. There were times when my mom and I had to drive to my dad’s house because we had not heard from him and we were afraid he had committed suicide. My dad has been in rehab twice and he has been sober for a couple years now, but we will never have the relationship a father and daughter should have. I will never get over the feeling that I was the parent to him instead of him being there for me. While he may be my father he will never be my dad. I love him, but I will never be able to get over everything that we went through. Alcoholism is not something that should be praised by society. It is a ripple affect that creates devastation in its path.

This post was a little more real than my normal post and isn’t exactly a chipper post to read. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

 

 

the way of the first love

It was the tingle sent from your fingertips as they traced my chin,

The heat in my cheeks when you felt my skin.

The hidden smile of knowing tucked in the corner of your mouth.

The passion you ignited that I had tried to cast out.

 

It was the way  you could laugh and make demons fly away,

The conversations we made until the break of day,

The letters we wrote of the feelings that grew,

The way the sensations never left to make sure I knew.

 

It was the way your eyes burned with emotion looking my way.

 

It was almost enough to make me forget

The anger, the lies, and the fights we regret.

The passion turned rage into furious nights

spent debating and wondering when will it end?

 

The feeling of anger and jealousy grew,

until the heart full of love was coated anew

and the love was still there and beating with might

but hidden by shadows of rage dark as night.

 

The way that its over and I still can’t let go.

The way my heart beats with love, but I already know

all the fights and the screams mean I can’t return

to the man who’s very name can make my face burn.

 

The way I’m still holding on to my feelings and pains

of the very first love to course through my veins.

The first passionate, ridiculous, soon to be memory.

The way that first love overtakes and can’t leave you be.

 

Ellie X.

what happened to kindness

The world is cruel, so society tells me. It is ruthless and will tear you up and break you down. But…the world has never caused me to feel uneasy. When I’m outside hiking or at the ocean, I never feel threatened. I feel like this moment, this exact scene was made for me. I feel wanted. The world doesn’t tell me I’m ugly. The world doesn’t make me feel worthless because I’m not talented enough or unique, people do. I don’t think people understand the power we hold. We act in defense and blame it on the “ruthless world.” People are the ones who make it that way. We do not have to all live this way. We don’t have to live so tough and forceful. People have the power to change the atmosphere of how we live…so…why don’t we?

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

Why must kindness be seen as weak? Why must charity be a chore? Why must caring be so looked down upon that the common man fears it? Why is it considered “brave” for someone to stand up for what they believe in, instead of it being a common action? Is society so crippled that it cannot exist without uniformity? When did individuality become a crime? If “be yourself” is so publicly broadcasted, why is it looked down when acted out?

I have a lot of questions like this, but the most important one to me is: When did morality become something that took courage? People have shifted the viewpoint of society to where being kind is never praised, but let me assure those of you who still have humanity, having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

Don’t forget to be kind. The world is already filled with enough cruelty. Stand out. Be kind. It is not an act to look down on. Go against the odds.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.