“the chill one”

“The chill one.”That’s what they call me. Everyone has a reputation and mine is being the girl who “doesn’t give a fuck.” People tell me it’s a good thing because I’m the one who they can count on being okay with whatever the plans are because I don’t care. They say they never have to worry about me judging them because I don’t care. They don’t have to worry about drama with me because I don’t care.

However, I think they are wrong. I do care. I care a lot. I think that I care too much sometimes. I have different priorities than others, so they tend not to notice what matters to me. Once I got to college and I started going out, I noticed something. People do not give a crap about other people. Not everyone is like this, but I’m gonna throw out that probably 96.2% of people do not care about the other humans around them. They care about their hair, makeup, Snapchat, boys, girls, pictures, alcohol…ya know the true “important” things. <- sarcasm. But my question is: What about the best friend puking in the bathroom? What about the girl getting harassed by a guy who won’t leave her alone? What about all the people who’s rides couldn’t stay sober and are now stranded because they can’t find a safe ride home? These are the things I see when I go out. These are the things I care about, not someone’s smeared make-up. I usually choose to be designated driver (DD) because I don’t mind it. I do not have to be intoxicated to enjoy myself. If I have people around me and there is music playing, I’m happy. I choose to be DD because if I’m sober I can help the people who need it. To me, it is more important to be there for people when they need it than to drink to the point where I can’t even take care of myself.

A quick example to give you an idea of what I’m talking about: There was an end of the year house party right off campus that my friends and I went to. This was one of the few times I chose to not be DD and I let my other friend (who was DD) drive my car. A guy that came with us ended up getting stupid drunk and smoking weed for the first time and he got very cross faded. He started getting sick, so I called our ride to come back. Also, just for the record, I didn’t really know this guy. We were acquaintances, but really we just had mutual friends. I told my friends that we needed to leave and only 1 out of the 5 who came would leave with me to take him home. They rest said they weren’t ready to quit partying. On the way back, he threw up on the side of my car because he thought it was spinning. His friend and I ended up staying in his room until 4 a.m. If he laid down he would think he was falling and couldn’t go to sleep. He was genuinely terrified. He felt horrible and kept apologizing for everything. Honestly, I forgive him for all that. He doesn’t even remember it! I would want someone to stay with me if I ever got to that point, so I’m fine with taking care of someone like that. Everyone the next day kept going on how it was awesome how I was so “chill” about leaving the party early and so “chill” about cleaning the puke off my car. However, that isn’t the case at all. It was not fun washing throw-up off my car from a guy I barely know for 2 hours. I did not enjoy holding this guy’s head for 4 hours in his room so that he could know he was not falling. I would not consider any of that a good time, but I would do it again in an instant because I believe people should do that for each other. I would want someone to do the same for me. I was chill with his actions because I was more concerned with what was happening to him. He needed help and no one else was going to do it.

My friends are right. I don’t care about a lot of stuff. I don’t care about what people think about me (to an extent), I don’t care about how many likes I get on social media, or how popular the people I surround myself are. But, they’re wrong about me not caring. I just care about things they don’t think about. I care about people. I care about morality. I care about putting other people before myself and making sure they are okay. I care about honesty and loyal friendships. I think the 3 Musketeers had it going on with the whole “all for one and one for all” thing. Why am I such an abnormality because I believe that people should care for each other?

Woodrow Wilson said,

Loyalty means nothing unless it has at its heart the absolute principle of self-sacrifice.

Selfishness attacks society like a cancer in many different forms.The most dangerous part of it is that it takes place like an avalanche. It begins slowly, like a crack in the ice, through one simple action. The exciting grasp of greed felt through one selfish act is addicting and it appears more and more rapidly until before you realize it, you’ve become consumed with the idea of yourself. I’m guilty of it. I try to keep myself humble and in check, but I slip up. I wont realize how neglecting I can be to my friends and family until I’ve already hurt them.

I think that society has become too selfish for its own good. I may be the chill one, but I do care.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.


alcoholism or addiction?

Imagine you’re standing on a thick layer of grass looking out over a serene, greenish-blue lake. Across the water you can vaguely see where children are running around in the yard and jumping off their docks into the water. You look down in front of your feet and see chipping, red paint falling off of an old wooden dock. The wood has stains and rust missing in certain places that suggests it had a time and a place where it was loved and used, but now it sits quietly as memory. Raised in the opening of the dock is a covered pontoon who’s dust shows the same sad fate. Turn around. Your eyes fall upon an a teetering, empty swing set. Behind it, across the yard that now stretches in front of you, is a large two story home with a screened in porch. As you get closer, a thick coat of dust on dirt on the porch can be seen. The only sign of upkeep is the grass that has been poorly mowed. What you can see is an old house that used to be grand, but has fallen down in the lack of upkeep. What you can see is a beautiful, peaceful lake with the sun setting in the background. What you can’t see is the little girl in the downstairs of the lake house waiting for her father to wake up and spend time with her. What you can’t see are the empty pizza boxes that have been left out and accumulating for months. What you can’t hear is the blaring television that has been left on in the upstairs room where the girl’s father has passed out and can no longer hear its noise. What you can’t smell is the scent of aging vodka wafting from the empty bottles the father has pushed under the bed, so that his little girl can’t find them. What you can’t feel is the devastation of the father as he tries to drown the sorrow of the love of his life leaving him because of his mistakes. What you can’t predict are the holes he will punch through the walls in the next couple years when his sorrow turns to rage. What that father can’t predict are the lasting effects his problems will have on his daughter. He can’t predict the resent she will have for him or the walls she will build up against any boy in the future.

10 years later that girl has grown up and she now writes to you. My father unknowingly caused me to grow up with serious issues that I may never be able to completely get over. What started in high school as him drinking and doing “harmless” drugs with friends quickly turned into a reliance on alcohol and prescription pain medication to function. My father made his decisions and I completely hold him responsible. However, I am writing this because everywhere I go activity like this is praised. People think that alcoholism is a joke, but once the word “addiction” is thrown out everything becomes serious. An alcoholic is someone who you want to invite to a party, but an addict is someone to be feared. An alcoholic is not someone who just enjoys getting drunk at parties, or just the person who can drink the most. An alcoholic is an addict who struggles every single day. An alcoholic is someone who can’t go anywhere without a drink. Can’t eat without a drink. Someone who will not get out of bed unless they can go get a drink. Someone who slowly cuts off all socialization with people because all they want to do is drink.

I’m not trying to make people stop drinking. That isn’t the purpose of me writing this. I think that drinking can be really fun and I love having girl’s night downtown on Thirsty Thursday just as much as everyone else. I’m writing this because while I’m downtown or at a party and I see people who aren’t there drinking because they want to, they’re drinking because they have to. It makes me to flash back to memories with my dad. They make me wonder if they will be able to stop the way my dad couldn’t. They make me wonder if they will wreck their marriage they way my father did. Or will they have kids? Will their kids have to visit their dad in rehab? Will their kids need therapy like I did? I was a pity case for all my friends parents. They also never let their children come over while I stayed at my dad’s. Will their children suffer the same fate?

Alcoholism does not just affect the person addicted. It creates a ripple effect for everyone involved. I’ve never been addicted to alcohol, but I have control and trust issues that make it really difficult for me to interact with people sometimes. People can’t always understand how much it affected me to consistently have alcohol and pills chosen over me. There were times when my mom and I had to drive to my dad’s house because we had not heard from him and we were afraid he had committed suicide. My dad has been in rehab twice and he has been sober for a couple years now, but we will never have the relationship a father and daughter should have. I will never get over the feeling that I was the parent to him instead of him being there for me. While he may be my father he will never be my dad. I love him, but I will never be able to get over everything that we went through. Alcoholism is not something that should be praised by society. It is a ripple affect that creates devastation in its path.

This post was a little more real than my normal post and isn’t exactly a chipper post to read. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.



what happened to kindness

The world is cruel, so society tells me. It is ruthless and will tear you up and break you down. But…the world has never caused me to feel uneasy. When I’m outside hiking or at the ocean, I never feel threatened. I feel like this moment, this exact scene was made for me. I feel wanted. The world doesn’t tell me I’m ugly. The world doesn’t make me feel worthless because I’m not talented enough or unique, people do. I don’t think people understand the power we hold. We act in defense and blame it on the “ruthless world.” People are the ones who make it that way. We do not have to all live this way. We don’t have to live so tough and forceful. People have the power to change the atmosphere of how we live…so…why don’t we?

Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

Why must kindness be seen as weak? Why must charity be a chore? Why must caring be so looked down upon that the common man fears it? Why is it considered “brave” for someone to stand up for what they believe in, instead of it being a common action? Is society so crippled that it cannot exist without uniformity? When did individuality become a crime? If “be yourself” is so publicly broadcasted, why is it looked down when acted out?

I have a lot of questions like this, but the most important one to me is: When did morality become something that took courage? People have shifted the viewpoint of society to where being kind is never praised, but let me assure those of you who still have humanity, having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.

Don’t forget to be kind. The world is already filled with enough cruelty. Stand out. Be kind. It is not an act to look down on. Go against the odds.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.