self-absorbed coffee shop

Every Tuesday and Thursday I have a two hour break in between my morning and afternoon classes. During this time I usually go to the Starbucks in my campus’ library and get a head start on homework (which most of the time just turns into me watching Game of Thrones). It’s amazing what you can learn by people watching. I sit in the back of the shop at a long rectangle table against the wall where the single people doing homework usually sit. We all just congregate and sit alone together and don’t talk because, obviously, we all have important things to do like watch Game of Thrones. All the people who come in in groups sit in the middle of Starbucks where they can interact with each other all they want and not disturb the people at the long table. It’s a great system for people watching, which I love, because I can look out and just watch people interact with each other while not having to interact with anyone myself.

Today I sat down, at my usually quiet table, next to people who didn’t know the system. There were three of them and they were on an ex-boyfriend rant so they were yelling and squealing and using the words like and er my gawd continuously. I’m usually pretty okay with loud people at the quiet table because they didn’t know the system and it’s not their fault. They don’t know! But I hadn’t had time to drink my coffee yet so I wasn’t happy yet and then I started listening to their conversation (not that I had a choice from how loud they were being) and I was appalled. There were two girls and a guy and the girls were telling the guy stories about themselves. The girls had been friends since high school and came to our college together. One of the girls, I don’t know her name so let’s call her Tonya, is a sophomore now and had been dating this guy since she was back in high school. He was a year younger than her and was planning on joining his girlfriend at the same college so that they could be together. Sweet, right? So he graduates high school, gets everything arranged, moves into college. He starts his freshman year and she starts her sophomore year and then TWO DAYS into the school year, she dumps him…I’m sitting here listening to their conversation and I swear my jaw dropped. This girl is sitting here complaining about how her ex makes her uncomfortable because he is mad at her. Well hell if I went to a college just to be with my boyfriend and he dumped he two days into the school year, I’d turn into a furious, raging lunatic. I think he is doing pretty well with only being mad! I could not believe this girl was genuinely complaining about this guy being mad.

Then they moved off the ex-boyfriend topic and started bashing one their friends. Apparently one of their friends who goes to school here too was tired of Tonya complaining all the time and wasn’t really talking to her anymore. Well Tonya was not happy about this and went into full denial, yelling mode saying “LIKEWHATTHEFUCKIDONOT!! IDONOTCOMPLAINABOUTEVERYTHING.” At which point I just thought Yea sure. and I decided I was done listening in to their conversation and directed my attention elsewhere. I looked up and there was a guy rushing towards the counter area where they hand you the coffee. He did not look amused. He smashed his down on the counter and proceeded to accuse of the lady of making his coffee “wrong”. She calmly responded ” I may not have stirred up the coffee enough. Would you like me to make you another?” This barista took responsibility for the bad drink and offered him another one, but he just kept on saying he always gets the same drink and they always make it right and this was ridiculous that it wasn’t correct because he always gets this drink. Insinuating that this barista should have known how to make his drink because he gets it everytime. Well if he was in here often enough to always order this drink he would know that this girl was one of the new employees. Our college has 20,000 students in it and our library (where the starbucks is) is open to anyone who has a card. The line is almost always out the door. How in the world would this new girl be able to differentiate this guys order from the rest of the hundreds of people who come through here everyday? She again offered him a new drink and apologized for the quality of his current one. However, this dude still wasn’t satisfied. He proceeded to go into detail about how it was wrong. How the taste was incorrect and was not sweet like it was supposed to be. She asked if it was too bitter and he pointed at her at yelled “YES TOO BITTER.” For the third time, she calmly said, “Would you like me to make you another drink, sir?” He finally looked satisfied, smiled, and nodded his head as she set off to make him another drink. Go new barista lady. I’m supporting you from afar.

People.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

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Spring Break

This past week was spring break and here’s a little bit of what I did!

Disney World

First, my roommate and I left class on Friday and drove down to Disney World! We met up with her boyfriend (who goes to school near the park) and we spent the day there Saturday with him. It was amazing! We got there at 9 when the gates opened and spent the day riding rides and paying way too much for hotdogs. We got stuck on Splash Mountain and Haunted Mansion for like 15 minutes each. We finished the day with the firework show “Wishes”. Fun Fact: It is my roommate’s life-goal to be the Tinker Bell that flies from the tower of Cinderella’s castle over Tomorrowland at the beginning of the show.

Firework Show

We only went to Magic Kingdom because for those of you who don’t know, Disney World is ridiculously expensive. The $135 it cost to get in the park for one day was enough for me!

Sunday was dedicated to driving the 10 hours back home so nothing exciting really happened that day haha. Well, actually I had one awkward encounter. I was in the middle of nowhere in Georgia working my way towards Alabama and there was nothing on the road that I was driving on. I hadn’t seen a gas station in a couple hours and I was getting a little nervous. I saw this sketchy looking little gas station that looked like it had been there for forever and I know you should never stop at sketchy gas stations, but I was getting nervous about my gas situation, so I stopped. I was the only person at the pumps and no one was around, which was weird. I just thought to myself Pump $10 of gas and get out of here. I put my debit card in the pump and of course the message came up “please pay inside”. Great. The second I walked up to the store and opened the door I was hit in the face with INCREDIBLY loud music and the room was a billion degrees I swear. Haha all I could think was “what the hell is going on?” Guys, you have not lived until you walk into a gas station where the only people working are 20, dancing around the gas station, and blaring “Colt 45” by Afroman over the loudspeakers. If you don’t know the song, here are some lyrics so you can get a feel for it.

Said colt 45 and two zigzags baby thats all we need
We can go to the park, after dark
Smoke that tumbleweed
As the marijuana burn we can take our turn
Singin’ them dirty rap songs
Stop and hit the bong like cheech and chong
And sell tapes from here to Hong Kong
So roll, roll, roll my joint, pick out the seeds and stems
Feeling high as hell flyin’ through Palmdale
Skatin’ on dayton rims
So roll, roll, the ’83 Cadillac coupe Deville
If my tapes and my CDs just don’t sell, I bet my caddy will

I guess they don’t get a lot of people that stop at their gas station because it looks so creepy from the outside, let alone people that actually go inside. So, I don’t think they were expecting anyone to come inside. They were hilarious. I walked in and I guarantee you that at least 2 of the 3 people in there were high. One of them was a guy dancing around the room, another was just dancing in place. The third girl was working the cash register and was missing most of her teeth. I had to yell just for her to hear me ask for gas over the music. They were great, happy, high people! I completely misjudged the gas station. Haha so that’s my story from Sunday.

Road

Monday-Wednesday I spent catching up with high school friends and being with my family. Thursday was one of the greatest days of my life cause I completed one of dreams and went to a Fall Out Boy concert!! AAAAHHH! Holy crap they were amazing. I almost cried several times throughout the concert. They have been one of my favorite bands ever since I was probably 10. And the fact that they can sing the same songs as when I was ten and still sell out shows says something. They’re amazing.

Fall Out Boy

On Friday my best friend from home and I came back down to school and spent the weekend wandering around downtown and going to the movies. We found a lot of really cool spots.

eliza and grafittiFountainmobilePainted Wall

That’s my Spring Break! Proof that not every single college student goes to the beach and goes crazy for Spring Break (even though I think that’s fun too). Haha Happy almost Easter everyone!

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

Random Life Moment #3

Story time. So, today I had to rush out of my room to get to my friend’s car outside. I had my camera bag and I was juggling my keys and when I got out of my hall door into the lobby of my building I got the BIGGEST WEDGIE EVER! I was trying to get it, but I was half running and my hands were full, so really it just looked like I was running and scratching my butt. Then I turned around and standing by the vending machines behind me was one of the most beautiful boys I have ever seen and was staring at me like I was the weirdest person ever haha. Oops. I took off running and ran laughing to my friends car. It was embarrassing.

alcoholism or addiction?

Imagine you’re standing on a thick layer of grass looking out over a serene, greenish-blue lake. Across the water you can vaguely see where children are running around in the yard and jumping off their docks into the water. You look down in front of your feet and see chipping, red paint falling off of an old wooden dock. The wood has stains and rust missing in certain places that suggests it had a time and a place where it was loved and used, but now it sits quietly as memory. Raised in the opening of the dock is a covered pontoon who’s dust shows the same sad fate. Turn around. Your eyes fall upon an a teetering, empty swing set. Behind it, across the yard that now stretches in front of you, is a large two story home with a screened in porch. As you get closer, a thick coat of dust on dirt on the porch can be seen. The only sign of upkeep is the grass that has been poorly mowed. What you can see is an old house that used to be grand, but has fallen down in the lack of upkeep. What you can see is a beautiful, peaceful lake with the sun setting in the background. What you can’t see is the little girl in the downstairs of the lake house waiting for her father to wake up and spend time with her. What you can’t see are the empty pizza boxes that have been left out and accumulating for months. What you can’t hear is the blaring television that has been left on in the upstairs room where the girl’s father has passed out and can no longer hear its noise. What you can’t smell is the scent of aging vodka wafting from the empty bottles the father has pushed under the bed, so that his little girl can’t find them. What you can’t feel is the devastation of the father as he tries to drown the sorrow of the love of his life leaving him because of his mistakes. What you can’t predict are the holes he will punch through the walls in the next couple years when his sorrow turns to rage. What that father can’t predict are the lasting effects his problems will have on his daughter. He can’t predict the resent she will have for him or the walls she will build up against any boy in the future.

10 years later that girl has grown up and she now writes to you. My father unknowingly caused me to grow up with serious issues that I may never be able to completely get over. What started in high school as him drinking and doing “harmless” drugs with friends quickly turned into a reliance on alcohol and prescription pain medication to function. My father made his decisions and I completely hold him responsible. However, I am writing this because everywhere I go activity like this is praised. People think that alcoholism is a joke, but once the word “addiction” is thrown out everything becomes serious. An alcoholic is someone who you want to invite to a party, but an addict is someone to be feared. An alcoholic is not someone who just enjoys getting drunk at parties, or just the person who can drink the most. An alcoholic is an addict who struggles every single day. An alcoholic is someone who can’t go anywhere without a drink. Can’t eat without a drink. Someone who will not get out of bed unless they can go get a drink. Someone who slowly cuts off all socialization with people because all they want to do is drink.

I’m not trying to make people stop drinking. That isn’t the purpose of me writing this. I think that drinking can be really fun and I love having girl’s night downtown on Thirsty Thursday just as much as everyone else. I’m writing this because while I’m downtown or at a party and I see people who aren’t there drinking because they want to, they’re drinking because they have to. It makes me to flash back to memories with my dad. They make me wonder if they will be able to stop the way my dad couldn’t. They make me wonder if they will wreck their marriage they way my father did. Or will they have kids? Will their kids have to visit their dad in rehab? Will their kids need therapy like I did? I was a pity case for all my friends parents. They also never let their children come over while I stayed at my dad’s. Will their children suffer the same fate?

Alcoholism does not just affect the person addicted. It creates a ripple effect for everyone involved. I’ve never been addicted to alcohol, but I have control and trust issues that make it really difficult for me to interact with people sometimes. People can’t always understand how much it affected me to consistently have alcohol and pills chosen over me. There were times when my mom and I had to drive to my dad’s house because we had not heard from him and we were afraid he had committed suicide. My dad has been in rehab twice and he has been sober for a couple years now, but we will never have the relationship a father and daughter should have. I will never get over the feeling that I was the parent to him instead of him being there for me. While he may be my father he will never be my dad. I love him, but I will never be able to get over everything that we went through. Alcoholism is not something that should be praised by society. It is a ripple affect that creates devastation in its path.

This post was a little more real than my normal post and isn’t exactly a chipper post to read. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

I love you all. Be adventurous. Chérir la vie.

Ellie X.

 

 

the way of the first love

It was the tingle sent from your fingertips as they traced my chin,

The heat in my cheeks when you felt my skin.

The hidden smile of knowing tucked in the corner of your mouth.

The passion you ignited that I had tried to cast out.

 

It was the way  you could laugh and make demons fly away,

The conversations we made until the break of day,

The letters we wrote of the feelings that grew,

The way the sensations never left to make sure I knew.

 

It was the way your eyes burned with emotion looking my way.

 

It was almost enough to make me forget

The anger, the lies, and the fights we regret.

The passion turned rage into furious nights

spent debating and wondering when will it end?

 

The feeling of anger and jealousy grew,

until the heart full of love was coated anew

and the love was still there and beating with might

but hidden by shadows of rage dark as night.

 

The way that its over and I still can’t let go.

The way my heart beats with love, but I already know

all the fights and the screams mean I can’t return

to the man who’s very name can make my face burn.

 

The way I’m still holding on to my feelings and pains

of the very first love to course through my veins.

The first passionate, ridiculous, soon to be memory.

The way that first love overtakes and can’t leave you be.

 

Ellie X.